Galactic Empire Responds to White House Petition Response Re: Death Star

    January 16, 2013
    Josh Wolford

Earlier this week, the White House dashed the dreams of over 34,000 American citizens as they officially refused a petition to start production on the country’s very own functioning Death Star. Bummer, right?

In their statement, the White House cited a few reasons why they won’t be building the Death Star. First, it’s just too damn expensive – $850,000,000,000,000,000, by some estimates. Also, the administration apparently doesn’t support blowing up planets.

Well, the Galactic Empire isn’t buying it. In a response letter, they (someone at quote Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories and Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet in citing the White House’s “cowardice” and the “overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire.”

Good stuff.

Here’s the letter in its entirety, via

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”

Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.

Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.

Your move, White House.

[h/t Business Insider]


Josh Wolford
Josh Wolford is a writer for WebProNews. He likes beer, Japanese food, and movies that make him feel weird afterward. Mostly beer. Follow him on Twitter: @joshgwolf Instagram: @joshgwolf Google+: Joshua Wolford StumbleUpon: joshgwolf