America’s 2013 Chicken Champion has been named folks, and it turns out Chick-fil-A is King of the Coop with annual sales of $5.1 billion, surpassing KFC’s poultry, ah, paltry, $4.2 billion.
This comes as no surprise to anyone who consumes food, as the superiority of Chick-fil-A’s product is enough for the average carnivore to ignore their pecking conscience long enough to glory in the golden perfection of crispy breading. Though for every spicy chicken sandwich with extra cheese and Chick-fil-A sauce consumed (THE ONLY WAY TO EAT CHICK-FIL-A IS THE WAY I EAT CHICK-FIL-A), a gay person loses their wings, the God-fearing and gay-married alike have agreed on the only thing they will likely ever agree on: KFC is greasy, and it doesn’t come with waffle fries.
Chick-fil-A isn’t the only bad habit that had a great 2013. The proclivities of Midwestern college freshman who just HAVE to find a quiet place to study seem to have spread rapidly throughout the various regions of the United States and what is now called the “coffee café” category of limited service (I’ll say) restaurants are among those with the highest sales growth, with Starbucks and Panera showing 10.6 and 11.8 percent growth in 2013, respectively. But before deeming Americans totally unsophisticated, palette-wise, please note our level of comfort with international cuisine skyrocketed as Panda Express clocked an impressive 10.7 percent sales growth for the year.
But the dominance of Chick-fil-A over KFC is the most notable area of change in the American fast-food landscape, and perhaps says the most about us as a people, for we are willing to abandon the wave of good-will recently shown towards the LGBT community if it means a decent meat slab with a savory sauce. Ah, Chick-fil-A, where bigots and bisexuals can sit down together and argue vehemently but make zero progress because their throats are coated with honey mustard and everything comes out a muted, sticky, glorious garble. Take that, KFC.
Image via Wikimedia Commons