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Author Archive for: ‘Lex’

This Is How Leonardo Dicaprio REALLY Dances

It keeps popping up on your Facebook feed but you’re not sure what the hell it is. One could say it’s the modern day version of Lollapalooza, or, arguably, Woodstock. It’s where the resurrection of Tupac via hologram happened, where Jack White had an emotional hang-up, The Flaming Lips rolled on their audience in a giant human hamster ball, and now, in 2014, where Leonardo …

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USDA Banning All Junk Food In Schools On July 1

Dear lovers of freedom, Say goodbye to your Sour Warheads, your gummy bears, your Wonder Balls, your Big League Chew, and putting Bugles on the end of your fingertips – they’re gone. Well, at least in your public school system. The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) is tightening the belt of school systems nationwide with their Smart Snacks in School …

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Student Gets Psych. Evaluation For Pencil Twirling

Listen. It’s okay to have your Nerf Guns, your first person shooter video games, and maybe your second amendment – but by God, if you even so much as engage in pencil gymnastics suggesting anything more than mere stimulation out of boredom, you’re probably insane or a terrorist. The location is Glen Meadow Middle school in Vernon Township, New Jersey. …

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PETA Wanted Jeffrey Dahmer’s Home To Become A Diner

(Warning: the following describes a man whose crimes were against humanity.) If you’re unfamiliar with Jeffrey Dahmer, then all you need to know is that he was a serial killer and sex offender who: Killed, raped, and dismembered 17 men and boys from 1978 to 1991. The murders involved necrophilia, cannibalism, and preservation of body parts (in his fridge.) Suffered from …

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Monster Chicken Dinosaurs Were Real

What do you get when you cross Randy Macho Man Savage, Beyoncé’s thighs, a wild chicken, and the unimaginable face of pure excitement from the bowels of hell? Why, you’d get the “chicken from hell”, a newly identified feathered dinosaur species found in North America. Roaming around the Cretaceous era 66 million years ago peaks the ugly head of Anzu …

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The South Watches More Gay Porn Than You Liberals

After those long days of Mexican standoffs and train robberies, the South usually unwinds with either some chitlins or sweet tea – no one would have ever expected a good old heaping helping of steaming gay porn. As soon as March reared its ugly head, Pornhub and Buzzfeed got together to satiate their curiosities by asking: Do states with legalized …

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North Carolinian Hunter Kills 500lb Hog

Every now and then our inner child jumps around like a relapsing drug addict on planet cocaine when the news showcases a wild beast like Big Foot or the Mothman that ‘proves’ to us that monsters DO exist and reality is truly stranger than fiction. Unfortunately, a lot of the times, we grow up, we learn then that news is …

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President Obama Interviewed On ‘Between Two Ferns’

Okay. Between Two Ferns is a deadpan internet comedy series hosted on video website Funny or Die starring comedian Zach Galifianakis as a talk show host who invites various celebrities to sit down (literally, between two ferns) for an interview on a set that resembles something out of 90’s public-access television. *Phew* If you’re familiar with The Hangover star whose last …

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George Zimmerman Signs Autographs At Gun Show

A simple Google search of Zimmerman and it seems like no action of his ever goes unreported. Recent headlines include an announced but later cancelled boxing match with rapper DMX to assaulting his pregnant girlfriend. In case you’ve forgotten, George Zimmerman is the 31-year-old American originally known for fatally shooting Trayvon Martin on February 26th, 2012 in Sanford, Florida. Once …

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Taco Bell Will Start Serving Breakfast On March 27th

Step aside McGriddle, your days are numbered just like your chubby consumers – Taco Bell is stepping up and serving it fresh in the morning with a new national breakfast menu. Originally going in for test runs in roughly 800 outlets in 10 states, Taco Bell is attempting to take a bite out of the breakfast market that McDonalds dominates; …

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Hot Pockets Recalled For Containing Diseased Animals

When you’re looking for that “crispy, crunchy, tender, flaky crust”, you know you’ve found it with a quality product like Hot Pockets… or did you? If you’ve consumed your weight (and who wouldn’t?) in Hot Pockets’ “Philly Steak and Cheese” and “Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese” then there’s some bad news for you: the U.S. Department of Agriculture found …

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RoboCop Gets A Crowdsourced Movie Remake

Are you disappointed in the new RoboCop movie? Don’t like how they managed to ruin your childhood with a PG-13 rating and a very unfamiliar and overtly “modern” looking Robocop and unfaithful storyline? How about something more absurd? Our RoboCop Remake  is a crowdsourced remake of the original 1987 version of RoboCop that smushes the work of 60 scenes made …

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