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Alyssa Milano Knows We Exist

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Writers for e-business publications don’t get many opportunities to talk to major celebrities. In fact, they don’t really get any. When I learned that megastar and babe of the ages Alyssa Milano had weighed in on the Network Neutrality debate on her blog, I promptly got in touch with her office.

Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that WebProNews got to speak with Alyssa Milano?

Um, no. I’m saying I got to speak with her office staff. But there is a distinct possibility she knows we exist. More importantly, there is a distinct possibility she knows I exist.

In the fifth grade, when Ms. Milano was still Sam on Who’s the Boss?, I declared to everyone on the school bus that Alyssa Milano was my girlfriend forever and she was not to be touched. When you’re 10, that’s a perfectly reasonable statement, and everyone, each of whom had claimed Heather Locklear or that chick from the Cherry Pie video, understood and respected that blondes were not my preference.

(Later, when I learned of Freud and Oedipus, brunettes lost their position to red heads.)

Over the course of my tenure, I’ve gotten used to schmoozing and decoding CEOs and PR reps with the surety of asomewhat clumsy something that’s usually graceful. (Call that a postmodern metaphor, before you filet me for it.)

But this was Alyssa Friggin’ Milano.

Allowing for East Coast West Coast time differences, I left a message at her office for her explaining why I wanted to speak with her – it’s job related! – and proceeded to pound out a list of interview questions. Around lunchtime, I waltzed (no, strutted) up to our receptionist and said (smugly), “if Alyssa Milano calls for me, just patch her through to my cell phone.” It was one of the proudest sentences of my life.

I was lost in a short story by the (unfortunately) largely unknown Argentine writer Jorge Borges when my phone jolted me out of the surreal stupor he had lulled me into.

“Jason, I have Alyssa Milano’s office for you.”

Men, do you remember the first time you ever called a girl? The stuttering, the sweating, the complete blankness? I’m a professional, for Pete’s sake.

Vanessa, who had just called to get a better idea of who I was and what I wanted, was polite enough not to mention that she imagined I might be twitchy. She said she’d run it by Alyssa when she came in.

I didn’t expect to hear back from them. But then, just as I am writing this and about to give you the questions I would have asked her, I got a call back. Chelsea, this time, informed me that Alyssa was very busy and wouldn’t have time for an interview.

But they would keep my number and try to get back with me in a couple of weeks.

That’s all I needed to hear.

If you want to see what she felt was so important about the politics and business of the Internet, check out her blog posting on the matter.

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Alyssa Milano Knows We Exist
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